How You Show Up in the DM Says Everything About the Network You Are Building

I have been online long enough to develop an instinct for messages that mean something and messages that do not. It usually takes about ten seconds to tell the difference. Not because I am particularly perceptive, but because the ones that mean something are so rare that they stand out immediately against the noise.

This week, I received two of them. And they made me think seriously about something I have felt for a long time but never fully articulated: the way you introduce yourself online is one of the most underrated professional skills nobody is teaching.

The Message That Set the Tone

A colleague from this course reached out on LinkedIn with a simple note: "Hi! We're both in EME 6414, and I wanted to reach out and connect on LinkedIn. Wishing you continued success in the program."

That is it. Two sentences. But those two sentences did something that most connection requests completely fail to do. They gave the connection a reason to exist. She told me who she was, where we had common ground, and what she was hoping for, without asking for anything in return. I accepted immediately, and more than that, I remembered her. In a feed full of people performing their professional brand, her message felt like a real human introduction.

The second message came from T. Scott, a senior voice in the AI space. He wrote: "Woot — we're connected at last! Please don't hesitate to let me know if I can answer questions on Artificial Intelligence for you. There's a decent chance I won't know the answer, or that you already know more than I do on a range of topics, but I do try to help when I can. Keep being AWESOME." He attached a GIF. I laughed out loud, and then I sat with how good that message actually was. He offered something concrete, acknowledged his own limits, and made me feel genuinely welcomed into his network. All in a few lines.

Both of these people understood something that a lot of very accomplished professionals still do not: the first message is not a formality. It is the foundation.

What Most DMs Get Wrong

My inbox tells a different story most of the time. I get questions about my professional experience from people who have not looked at my profile. I get mentorship requests that are three paragraphs long before they have even introduced themselves. I get partnership pitches dressed up as connection requests. And occasionally, I get the classic "Hi" with no follow-up for three days, after which comes the actual ask.

None of this is malicious. Most people just have not thought carefully about what a first message is supposed to do. They treat it as a gateway to get access rather than as an introduction to begin a relationship. And the difference between those two framings shapes everything that follows.

When someone leads with what they want, I learn about their needs. When someone leads with who they are and what they are about, I learn about them. And that second kind of learning is what makes me want to invest in a connection over time.

Intentionality Is the Currency of Good Networking

I have built my professional network across two continents, multiple industries, and several career pivots. What I have learned is that the size of a network matters far less than the quality of the intentions behind it. A thousand connections who do not know why they followed you will never mobilize for you. A hundred people who understand exactly what you are building and believe in it will show up when it matters.

Intentionality in networking means knowing why you are reaching out before you reach out. It means having a genuine answer to the question: what am I bringing to this connection, not just what am I hoping to get from it? It means treating the other person's attention as something valuable rather than something you are entitled to because you found their profile.

T. Scott modeled this beautifully. He did not just say he was available to help with AI questions. He immediately added the caveat that I might already know more than him, which is a form of epistemic generosity that most people with his level of experience never bother with. He was not positioning himself as the expert dispensing wisdom from above. He was positioning himself as a fellow learner who happened to have relevant experience and was willing to share it. That framing is everything. It invites a real conversation rather than a one-way transfer of information.

The Way You Present Yourself Determines What You Build Together

I have a theory about professional relationships that this week confirmed again. The best way you present yourself determines not just what someone learns about you, but what kind of community you will eventually build with them. A message that signals curiosity attracts curious people back. A message that signals generosity attracts generous responses. A message that signals a transaction attracts transactional relationships.

This is not mystical. It is just pattern matching. People read your first message and make an inference about what kind of person you are and what kind of relationship this is likely to be. If your message is generic, they infer that you send a lot of generic messages and that this connection is not particularly special to you. If your message is specific, they infer that you paid attention, that you have a reason for being here, and that there might be something worth developing.

My colleague from EME 6414 got this right instinctively. She did not need to write a long message. She just needed to anchor the connection in something real, our shared course, our shared context, and a genuine wish for my success. That is enough. It signals that she sees me as a person, not just a contact to collect.

Building Communities One Message at a Time

This matters beyond individual relationships. The kind of professional learning community worth being part of is built exactly this way, one intentional introduction at a time. Communities do not form because a platform exists or because people are in the same space. They form when enough individuals show up with genuine purpose, and something real begins to take shape between them.

I have been thinking about this in the context of everything I am building right now. The AI Sparks pilot at FSU, the LearnScape community across Africa, and the connections I am making through this PhD program. Every one of those communities started with a message, a conversation, a moment where someone decided to show up with intention rather than just showing up. The platforms are almost incidental. What built those communities was people being specific about why they were there and honest about what they were hoping to create together.

The colleague who messaged me on LinkedIn this week is someone I remember from this program. Not because of what she has accomplished, but because she showed me, in two sentences, that she pays attention and that she shows up with purpose. In a noisy, distracted, algorithmically optimized world, that quality is rarer and more valuable than most professional credentials I have seen.

A Final Thought for Anyone Who Has Been Putting Off Sending That Message

If you have been thinking about reaching out to someone, a potential mentor, a peer whose work you admire, a colleague you want to know better, the thing that has been holding you back is probably the fear of not knowing what to say. Here is what I have learned: you do not need to be impressive. You just need to be specific and honest.

Tell them who you are. Tell them why you are reaching out. Tell them what you hope this connection might become. And if you can, offer something before you ask for anything, even if that something is just the warmth of a genuine introduction.

The internet has made it possible to reach almost anyone. The DM is still waiting for you to decide what you are going to do with that access.

What is the best connection message you have ever received? What made it stand out? I would love to hear about it in the comments.

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